she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
