I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
