Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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