I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
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Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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