please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Shame - the story of my life.
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