i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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