What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
