70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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