do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
