I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
