Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
