Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
