last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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