I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
