My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
