when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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