Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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