i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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