oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
