best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
