I heard we made out
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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