atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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