I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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