One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
