You made me cry and you don't even care
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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