Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
