When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
