My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
