the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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