I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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