She is in my trunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
