do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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