I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
