i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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