You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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