god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
