What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
