Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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