He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
