he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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