So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
