someone threw a dead crab at me
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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