My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
