she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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