I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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