we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
