Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
