I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
