Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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