last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can I color on your dick again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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