Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
