I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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