Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
