So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I supernannyed him into submission
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
