I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
