The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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